X or Y?

2021 has already brought two perfectly precious newborns in our family. My cousin brother had a baby girl on January 1st in Canada and my cousin sister had a baby boy on January 16th in Dubai. There is nothing sweeter than the joy wrapped in a little bundle.

Both were warmly welcomed and named with novelty. It's completely true, when it comes to having a baby, what we all hope to have is one that’s healthy, right? But it doesn't end there. Whether people confess or deny, every single one secretly has a preference for a boy or girl. Why is it a secret though? Perhaps because people might think they were being ‘picky’ by wanting a particular sex, when the baby’s wellbeing obviously comes first.

“Make no mistake about why these babies are here—they are here to replace us.” —Jerry Seinfeld

Over the years, here are some of the statements I have heard:

“Of course firstly all I wanted is a healthy baby, but I’d be lying if I said I don't have a preference,” my brother had told me.

A first time expecting dad confessed, "I really want a boy but I know we will get what my wife wants." In 9 months, they had a sweet boy.

"Will be less work if it is a boy though the most important thing is a healthy child." an aunt who was going to be promoted to a Granny mentioned.

“With #1 I didn’t mind but leaned towards a boy (was a boy). Four years later with #2 I really wanted a girl but a boy again." my sister confessed.

Parents of a 2 year old girl and a newborn boasted, “Fortunately we got our boy. We don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a preference and nobody should be shamed or slated for it.”

A sweet friend, who is herself one of 3 sisters, was expecting twins. She already had a gorgeous girl who was almost 4 then. She worried, "I discussed it with my husband. What are we going to do if we end up with two more girls? How would we manage their weddings etc? My husband assured me that we will raise them well just like my dad did." Months later, that caring couple had twin naughty boys.

A fellow soccer mom, who already had a daughter and son was expecting her third child. Sitting on the sidelines of the soccer field she shared, "We found out that we are having a girl. It was a quiet ride home from the hospital."

A few years ago, a boy in 4th grade told me, "My mom is pregnant." I appeared thrilled and asked him, "How many siblings do you have?" He replied, "I have 2 older sisters and 3 younger sisters." I blurted, "So maybe this will be the last little one in your family." His honest comment was, "My mom told me that if it is a boy then it would be the last otherwise we may have more." I tried my best to contain my shock. When I met the honest boy later that year, I couldn't wait to ask him if he had a younger brother now. He gave his 1000 watt smile and said, "Yes I have a little brother now." For no apparent reason, I felt relieved.

Verbally expressed or not, in the heart of hearts, we all have certain perceptions of what we will be able to do if we have a boy and what we can do if it's a girl. The general preference, across the globe, leans towards the male gender. In many developing countries, a girl child is considered a liability for reasons like wedding expenses, dowry, child bearing costs, etc. A son on the other hand is considered an asset or at least an investment which promises a huge return. Even after numerous first hand experiences of being disappointed on these false expectations, the faith seems to have only been slightly shaken.

We know all too well the dangerous realities that women face. It took almost 250 years, for even a country like the United States of America, to finally elect the first woman Vice President. Sexual exploitation, violence and wage discrimination are serious and more common concerns for women. Men may suffer some of these issues as well but the proportions are drastically smaller. And then menstrual cycles, pregnancy and child bearing are all biological demands of the woman. During their stay in the White House, even Michelle Obama mentions in her book Becoming that she would envy Barack who would be able sleep a little longer than her because she had to get her hair and make up done. Women are successful in every aspect of life but that is not as easily achieved. The glass ceiling, although cracked, is still there.

“Children make you want to start life over.” — Muhammad Ali

As much as we may pray, sometimes we have to deal with gender disappointment. The first step toward moving forward is recognizing your gender disappointment. It's always best to be honest with yourself, says Stephan Quentzel, M.D., a psychiatrist specializing in pregnancy and childbirth issues at Mount Sinai Beth Israel Medical Center, in New York City. "It can sound ugly to say, 'I wanted a boy and not a girl,' because you're expected to love the child no matter what," he says. But it's normal if you're not immediately thrilled.

In addition, don't feel ashamed if your sadness shows to other people. "Many women make sure they dry their eyes, fix their makeup, and plant a smile on their face before they leave the ultrasound room," says psychiatric nurse Joyce Venis, author of Postpartum Depression Demystified. But if you don't eventually let your emotions show, it'll be harder to keep your negative thoughts under wraps. "Feelings aren't good or bad or right or wrong—they're just feelings," Venis says.

"Gender disappointment typically only lasts until your child's birth day, when you finally meet each other," says Diane Ross Glazer, Ph.D., a psychotherapist at Providence Tarzana Medical Center, in Tarzana, California. In fact, oxytocin, the powerful hormone that your brain releases during labor, helps you fall hopelessly in love with your baby. The beginning of never ending love.

We envision ourselves as what we would do if we have a boy and what we would do if a girl came into our world. No amount of experience can predict the future of our unique children. Every child who is born, brings with it, an immeasurable amount of joy, love we never knew possible and a roller-coaster adventure that is promised throughout our life. A baby makes love stronger, the days shorter, the nights longer, savings smaller, and a home happier. There isn't anything that can be more precious.

“Children bring us a piece of heaven on earth.” — Roland Leonhardt

My GoodMan was thrilled when we found out that our second child was going to be a girl. I asked him, "Why are you so thrilled about having a girl?" He confessed, "I don't have a sister but I have heard that girls are close to their dads. I also see how you adore your dad. I am so excited to be our daughter's favorite!"

Little does he know that our flawless daughter has two favorites :)

Here we Grow again!

~ MG