Why Worry?

A few months ago, a neighbor posted on Facebook that his daughter was going to Cornell University, NY fall 2021. How prestigious! She is going to be a part of fine-grained young and I felt thrilled for her. Absolutely wonderful. Later that weekend, hanging around with friends, I shared, “Did you hear about the student in our neighborhood who is going to Cornell University!” One of them said, “Yeah I know but do you know what the yearly fee is for this Ivy League University?” I drew a blank and confessed, “I have no idea.” She replied, “It's 80k annually.”

I continued, “What about that sweet, well raised child going to Northeastern University? What's the cost of that?”

“That's also in the same range of 80k”, was her response.

I confess, “I can't afford that. Not even for one kid let alone two who will be graduating successively. This is unbelievable. No wonder senator Bernie Sanders is always pushing bills for free College Education.” The women all chime in and say, “Everyone works it out. Money is not the basis of selecting a college. It's the building block of their life. An expensive reputable University prepares for a rich life ahead.” and so on. Surprised, I add, “But tuition is a deciding factor for a family like ours. I don't want to have a debt of 700k in a matter of 5 yrs for two bachelor degrees.”

Sounding helpful, the neighbor adds, “The children can take out a student loan and pay it off later. Summer jobs also offer some cash flow.” It makes no sense to me and I defend, “We always plan to cut the coat according to the cloth. This is going to be very difficult to sponsor financially.”

Another attractive friend adds, “The higher the investment the higher the return. For example, my husband graduated from an average college in the US and has taken years to grow to the position he now commands in his firm. Had he started off with a renowned University, he would have risen to a better status much sooner.”

Wearing the crown of worry, I returned home. I share every single detail with my GoodMan and ask him to ride the worry train along with me. He, not as much as, blinks an eye. He casually says, “Nothing to worry about. I didn't have any money when I came to the US for education. Things eventually work out. Hard work always pays.” I sulk and then I notice, my GoodMan does not have a single gray hair on his head while I am always trying to cover my white strands. Worryless = Ageless!

“Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.” – Swedish Proverb

Well, it's true: Worrying is a complete and utter misuse of our energy, power, and imagination. All of us have fears, "what if's," and incessant mental chatter about what could go wrong in the future. These thoughts do nothing but paralyze us.

The good news: The things we worry about, even if they actually happen, wouldn't be nearly as terrible as we think. As psychological researcher Shawn Achor writes in his book The Happiness Advantage, "Adversities, no matter what they are, simply don't hit us as hard as we think they will. Our fear of consequences is always worse than the consequences themselves."

I tried to remember a time in my life when something went horribly wrong. A long list flashed through my mind. We all have our lows. Many difficult situations and harshly criticized instances have happened in the last 4 decades but, I have always had a loving family and supportive friends who have guided and helped me. I have made it through in the end. I have become stronger because of it and although I lost sleep a few times, it never turned out as bad as I imagined.

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” — Leo F. Buscaglia

There is an abundance of things to worry about, from health to job to more worldly problems. Recently, while talking with my luminary Godfather, I discussed how I am worried about the Covid-19 situation in India, the Israel and Palestinian conflict and some other issues in America. He sternly told me, “There is nothing to worry about. Worrying is not going to change anything but will simply be a waste of time. You don't need to allow every event to bother you and disturb your peace at home.”

Thinking about his words a little later, I realized how significant his advice was. Scott Woodruff, the director of the anxiety and obsessive-compulsive treatment program at the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy, said, “The anxious mind and the worried mind can manage to bring back topics over and over again,” he says. “It is possible that people can really spend quite an amount of time every day worrying about world events.” Part of the problem is that people feel that they should be worried—that worrying is a good and productive thing to do. And then they log in to Twitter or Facebook, and see their friends and others they admire reinforcing that message: Yes, you should be worried. And if you’re not, what’s wrong with you?

When people tell others to be more alarmed, “I translate that in one sense as equating worry and anxiety with nobility,” Woodruff says. “Many of us have the belief that if something’s important to us, then we should worry about it. Or that worry makes me a good person. We don’t need to worry to make us good people.” Ultimately, your personal anxiety has no effect on the world around you. Worry is not action, and knowledge, while important, is not action either. Rosemary Randall, a psychotherapist based in Cambridge, England, cautions against getting caught up in following every minute detail of an issue. “Whatever the issue is, once you’ve found out about it, stop,” she says. “That’s enough. You know about it.”

“Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.” - Glenn Turner

If we find ourselves worrying about something and feel like a hamster on a wheel, we must try different strategies to get our minds off it. Taking a hike, writing a journal, hanging out with friends, watching movies, anything that can get your mind off the constant worry. While driving my son and his robust friend to an event around town sometime back, I overheard this conversation:

Son: I am so worried about school and homework for tomorrow

Boon Companion: I haven't got much done either.

Son: I worry so much that I won't be able to complete it all. Because I procrastinate, I struggle to finish sometimes.

Boon Companion: I will tell you a simple mantra to stop worrying. Anything that bothers you, ask yourself, “Will this matter to me in 5 yrs?” If the answer is “No” don't worry about it.

Son: That sounds so easy. I am going to try it. Thanks!

I looked in the rear view mirror and smiled :) If we have friends who listen deeply, care compassionately, support unconditionally.....Worry can not win!

Well, just sometimes, in small doses, worrying can actually be good for you. In one study, for example, worrying increased “uptake of health-promoting behaviors,” like getting regular cancer screenings or resolving to kick a smoking habit. Others have found that worriers tend to be more successful problem-solvers, higher performers at work and in graduate school, and more proactive and informed when it comes to handling stressful events that life throws their way.

Last weekend a parade of graduates shined in our wonderful town while declaring the famous and reputed Universities they will attend this fall. By the same token, come spring 2025, my bright boy will be riding a hardtop and I will write a blog about why he chose a University we cannot afford!

Just kidding!

He will go on a sports scholarship :)

~ MG