February 1st, 2021 was like most mornings. I got ready and woke the kids up. Headed straight to the kitchen making breakfast and lunch while emptying the dishwasher. After coaxing everyone to hurry up, by 7:45 AM we were on our way to school.
I had a few minutes with them and their undivided attention. Hence, I tried to cram up all the lessons of life and reminders that come to me, "Be good in school. Work hard. Ask your friends about their weekend. Pay attention and respect your teacher, …" and so on and so forth. That's when my daughter interrupts, "You really don't need to lecture us every, single, morning. When do you plan to stop parenting us? We are in middle school, remember!"
I suddenly felt so dumb. It made me wonder about the deeper meaning of her comment. She was actually making sense. I wake up the kids, set out breakfast for them and constantly keep giving them advice on life. Filling the silence with knowledge seems to be my thankless job. I reached High School but I was clouded with the thought, "What is parenting?"
According to Alison Gopnik, in her book ‘The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children‘, the concept of ‘parenting’ is a relatively new invention. She explains, “As long as there have been animals, there have been mothers and fathers and their young. But the word “parenting,” now so ubiquitous, first emerged in America in 1958, and became common only in the 1970s.”
“But, in fact, parenting is a terrible invention. It hasn’t improved the lives of children and parents, and in some ways it’s arguably made them worse. For middle-class parents, trying to shape their children into worthy adults becomes the source of endless anxiety and guilt coupled with frustration. And for their children, parenting leads to an oppressive cloud of hovering expectations.” Gopnik attempts to persuade parents and educators to stop trying to mold children into adults with some desirable mix of characteristics, the way a carpenter might build a cabinet from a set of plans. Instead, we adults should model ourselves on gardeners, who create a nurturing ecosystem for children to flourish, but accept our limited ability to control or even predict the outcome of. Rather than viewing parenting as an activity or skill to be mastered, adults should simply be parents.
“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do matters very much.” - Jacqueline Kennedy
My GoodMan and I have our share of parenting flaws as well. For instance, we ask our daughter to tie her gorgeous tresses and tell our son to trim his fingernails frequently. Reminding our boy to fix his bed and serving water with meals to our darling daughter is routine. (Why do kids never drink enough water?) We often check if their Chromebook's are plugged in and if the curtains are drawn in their bedroom at night. Doing their laundry and changing their bed covers is taken care of by us. The hours our tween spends talking on her phone and our teen playing Xbox is a pressing issue yet to be resolved.
According to Dr. Wayne Dyer, "Parenting shouldn’t mean imposing rules or impressing others with your supposed intelligence and superiority. Refuse to convey superiority.” That's exactly what most parents pride themselves in. Parents force feed their little children even when the kid clearly is trying to keep the lips tightly closed and moving his head away in an effort to dodge the spoon. Kids are often corrected when they build a bathroom on the roof of their Lego House. Parenting led a mom to call the cops to resolve a dispute between her kid and a kid in the neighborhood. True story! While attending a teen's birthday gathering, I asked her mom what's wrong. She candidly shared, "My daughter didn't want to wear the Indian dress but her dad forced her to put it on. It's fine." Many 5 year old's are attending Russian School of Math but can't make as much as a 'sandwich' at 16 years of age. Many enroll kids into classes and activities without their consent. Children are constantly pressed for better grades. If they could, parents would encourage kids to get an A+ even on their Blood group test :) The race to succeed is constantly moving up and hence parents micromanage their every minute.
A well read neighbor had recently shared an inspiring poem by Gibran which relates to parenting:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Parents need to understand that we have no right to wield power over our children. It is totally possible to respectfully guide children and help them learn about the ways of the world without resorting to controlling parenting tactics. Focusing inward on our own actions and behavior sets a good role model. We must try to respect their choices and give them freedom while keeping them safe and guiding them towards healthy behaviors which will help them reach their true potential. Hopefully when they become the next Jeff Bezos, they will honor you with naming their landing ship after you*.
"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them" - P. J. O'Rourke
That cold February morning was a half day in school due to the expected snow. We came home at 12pm and the apple of my eye asked me, "When is lunch going to be served?" In a calm voice, I said, "I prepared lunch before leaving for school today morning. You are welcome to warm it and serve yourself. I am cutting down on the parenting sweetie, just like you told me this morning." She frowned and marched away. I took a deep breath and smiled. Giving up parenting is not that bad after all.
As I was putting my jacket away, I heard my GoodMan, who's been working from home forever now. He spoke from upstairs, "Darling, what's for lunch? Can you please serve me? I am really hungry."
I sigh and murmur, "Oh Lord…. have Mercy!"
*On December 29th, 2020 Jeff Bezos revealed the name of the Blue Origin landing ship - the Jacklyn, after his mom. New Glenn’s (310-foot rocket) first stage will come home to the Jacklyn after every flight. It couldn’t be more appropriately named — Mom has always given us the best place and best heart to come home to. He added, "We love you, Mom."
~ MG
Nice thought but very few parents understand this.! ☹️