Most people assume that if you are comfortable talking with people, you have excellent communication skills. It's not that simple. There is a lot more depth to communication than what we understand. Anyone who is passionate, caring and expresses their inner feelings in verbal or written communication, also puts themselves out there to be misunderstood. In the past year, I have learned the hard way, that as you begin to break down communication and look at what’s actually involved, it’s far more complex than people realize.
If you want that good feeling that comes from doing things for other folks then you have to pay for it in abuse and misunderstanding - Zora Neale Hurston
June 2020, while the World was still under the dark clouds of Covid-19, the sun was shining over us. Walks, long drives and dining in the open was considered low risk. We made plans to visit my nephew in New Hampshire at an outdoor restaurant over the Independence Day weekend. I kept my sister(nephew's mom) in the loop about our venture ahead. On the morning of June 30th, my GoodMan received a pink slip via DHL. Completely out of the blue. Hit hard but not broken, my GoodMan announced, “It's not a big deal. Has happened to so many due to the pandemic. We'll be just fine.” The day trip to New Hampshire seemed even more exciting to get a change of scenery. My ever smiling mom made a variety of snacks and sweets for my nephew.
However, with less than 24hrs to go, my sister reached out to say, “Please don't go to New Hampshire. I am worried about my son and since he is by himself, he won't have anyone to care for him if he falls sick. Go somewhere else. Maybe Rhode Island?” I was caught off guard but said, “I understand the uneasiness about meeting but we are only staying outdoors. I assure you that we will keep 6ft distance as well.” The mother inside of her wasn't convinced so I dropped the discussion. The concerns around Covid-19 were all time high.
Because we were all mentally prepared to take this day trip, we did everything as planned except meeting my nephew. I was very offended by the last minute change of plans. For the next couple of days, I couldn't shake the feeling away. I expressed my anger in messages and phone calls and my sister defended her stand while I felt betrayed and saddened about all the hard work my mom had put into the cooking. My biggest issue was that she could have been candid about her fear when we were planning instead of last minute. Her strategy to wait it out for something to change the situation seemed unacceptable. When a job loss and rain did not cancel plans on our end, she finally had to confide.
There was a valley of misunderstanding between us. Things blew out of proportion and we invested a lot of time in playing the blame game. After almost a long and stressful week, the iceberg suddenly melted when my sister said, “Had you once, only once told me…I am here for him and I am going to meet him and trust me nothing will happen. It's my responsibility for making sure that he stays healthy. I would have then let you meet him.” I asked her, “Wouldn't that feel like crossing the line given that 'You' are his mother. Do you think I have that right on him?” Her reflex was, “Absolutely! Without any doubt.”
I suddenly felt defeated. Why didn't I think like that? Why didn't I call the shots? Why did I initially accept and then flutter with the change in plans? The fog of misunderstanding suddenly cleared up. I told her, “Next time I am going to use the power that you have bestowed upon me:)” During this ordeal, my aunt sweetly said, “You both are such darling daughters and you both are fighting like this!”. My sensitive dad also sent us both a profound earnest message to defuse the tension. My sister laughed and confessed, “I am the one who recently suggested the topic ‘Miss-Understanding’ for your blogs and see, now I have given you the case in point as well.”
Nothing in this World is bigger than the Ego that we hold within us. Our arrogance to refuse to allow understanding an opposite point of view is what hurts us the most. If we cannot let out some air from our head, we can never be able to have our feet on the ground. A bridge over the gap can only be built when both sides are willing to meet at the center.
Most quarrels amplify a misunderstanding - Andre lo Gide
In the book, “The Art of Listening,” Michael Nichols describes that even the simplest communication has multiple components that run the risk of creating misunderstanding: the listener and the speaker, their different points of view, the words they speak and the different meaning each word has for each person, the implicit message (intent versus actual words), the context, and the process of flow. Moreover, the process is more circular in nature yet might be interpreted in a more linear fashion. If this doesn’t sound complicated enough, imagine adding lots of emotion, expectations, fears, and triggers. Again, it’s a miracle any message can get across to anyone .
Just recently, my son's teachers had been communicating with me. They raised some concerns and discussed his work at school. There had been a few emails back and forth and the matter needed more time to be resolved. After a long morning, as I was getting ready to leave the High School, I received a text from my daughter...
> Tysm for giving me a brother <3
My hand went straight to my forehead. I read it in a sarcastic tone. My heart sank and I was like now what happened? It's not unusual for my kids to come home complaining, arguing or fighting on the bus. I have heard phrases like :-
“She was so mean to me.”
“He squirted water on me from his water bottle.”
“She punched me in the hallway.”
“He pulled my bag while it was on my shoulders.”
“She is so different in school.”
“Why are you friends with that jerk?”
And on and on but, receiving a text from either of them is something new. I was absolutely sure that she is probably very pissed at him and hence being sarcastic in her tone. This is how the conversation went…
> Tysm for giving me a brother <3 What did he do now? He is having a tough day at school already. > Wait? Wdym? I mean that his teachers have been communicating with me all morning 🙏🏻 please let him be > Really?!? Yes > This is your daughter. I don't understand!! I know that you are my daughter. Can you please stop being sarcastic? > Listen, I don't know what you are saying. > I am trying to say > Tysm for giving me a brother <3 > Because he helped me with homework yesterday, my teacher was happy with my work :) Oh!!! That way! I thought he met you in school and poured water on you! That's why you were saying that 🤪 > No I am so happy 😊 😇
I took a sigh of relief. Because I was overwhelmed with the morning discussions with the teachers, I assumed that my daughter was also putting forth her case. As a matter of fact, it was the complete opposite of what I expected.
We are infected by our own misunderstanding of how our own minds work - Kevin Kelly
Every misunderstanding feels cataclysmic. Instead of breaking the bond we can use it to foster closeness in that relationship and grow and learn from it. One must try to create an awareness of how we think and feel and how we speak and listen. The most basic need for humankind is a sense of belonging and connectedness, we all need each other. If you value the kinship, you will accommodate the difference in thoughts and process. It is absolutely savage to not even be open to discussion and explanations. Lose pride. Pride is the enemy of honest and sincere communication.
On May 12th, 2021 my sister sent me this text:
> Are you ready for tomorrow?
What's tomorrow? The only big thing I can think is Salman Khan’s new movie releasing 😜
> Really!!!
> It's the 1st Anniversary of your blogs 🥳
Oh God! I did not have the faintest idea:)
Thank you for remembering 😇
That same sweet sister is probably my biggest fan and tireless cheerleader while being my unpaid advocate.
She is truly, Ms. Understanding ❤️
*For readers not familiar with the Indian culture:
All first cousins are like brothers and sisters. Second cousins are referred to as cousins :)
Uncles and Aunts won't pay your college tuition or buy you your first car but will love you & scold you just like your parents and we absolutely cherish that!
Indian families are vast and that's their strength and daily drama.
~ MG
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