Language of Love

Over 17 years, my GoodMan has bought me gifts from jewelry to shoes and from flowers to chocolates. New cell phones to fancy handbags, branded makeup to gorgeous clothes and from kitchen utensils to books … everything. Even when we were hand to mouth, he would go out of the way to get something impressive. The only downside was that I was never impressed.

There were times when I would make him return stuff because I had enough or I didn't think it was worth the money. I am naturally very content and rarely need anything. In a few years, we had two blissful children under the age of two. My GoodMan would be at work from 7AM through 6PM and I had no family around to help. I was exhausted and sleep deprived all the time. During those early parenting years, when he got me a pretty necklace from Zales, I felt sad.

Later, I learned to clearly tell him, "I know you are thinking about what to get me for my birthday but please, I request you I don't need anything." My GoodMan would protest, "I love buying gifts for you because it makes me happy!" I would then redirect the conversation, "Ok you want to make it special so how about you find a nice outdoor kid friendly restaurant that we can try. I will totally love that!"

Although I knew, my GoodMan truly loved me, I just could not tolerate materialistic gestures anymore. I had to explain that I felt more loved if I got a chance to sleep in on a Saturday morning while he wakes up with our toddlers and makes them breakfast. If I could go to the store while he watched the kids at home, I would be joyful. It's important to communicate to help each other understand our needs.

You always gain by giving love - Reese Witherspoon

Just recently, I learned about a best seller book by Dr Gary Chapman, The 5 Languages of Love. His groundbreaking theory is that there are five basic love languages – five ways to express love emotionally. Each person has a primary love language that we must learn to speak if we want that person to feel loved. These 5 Languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation

Most of us know that our partner is the most wonderful person around but we fail to tell them. We assume that it is obvious and does not necessarily need to be stated. So the next time your wife gets ready to go out, tell her, "You look lovely." and when your husband gets a haircut, it is mandatory to give a compliment. For individuals who connect with Words of Affirmation as their primary love language, this will strengthen their relationship with you and make them feel happier. So easy! For more brownie points, compliment them around a group of friends :)

2. Acts of Service

Many young parents, especially moms, choose this as the primary language of love. Acts of Service means people expect help with household chores or simple jobs. Anything that helps make their day easier. Love is expressed by not just offering to help but actually stepping up and taking care of basic stuff without being asked. This act shows love and earns a ton of respect.

3. Receiving Gifts

This is the simplest and probably the earliest language of Love. Buying chocolates, flowers, cards etc. and gifting it to a loved one. It is a universal language of Love and widely spoken on Valentines Day. For people who primarily speak Love in Receiving Gifts, expect gifts with and without occasion. It may sound an expensive language to speak but I assure you it is cheaper than seeking marriage counseling later.

4. Quality Time

Initial courtship days are a time where we cherish every moment spent together. We do every possible thing of our day planned with each other. Gradually, we settle into a schedule and rhythm and living together overshadows quality time with one another. Some prioritize this need for their emotional well-being and relationship satisfaction. Catering to this language of love is imperative for bonding. However, if you don't enjoy spending time with your better half, you may be with an incorrect match.

5. Physical Touch

A warm hug is the most universally acknowledged language of expression for love and care. It is a natural stress reliever which is proven to release a hormone called oxytocin which helps relax and makes you feel attached to the person who is embracing. Physical Touch includes everything from a kiss, to holding hands, to sex and to giving a foot massage.

Learning the language of Love is not only for the married. It is for everyone who is single or married, a parent or a child, a coworker or a boss and a friend or caregiver. Not one single strategy will work by itself. It will require a mix of multiple tones while sustaining focus on the most important language.

Children speak and understand Love in multiple ways of these 5 love languages. Babies who have lack of cuddling and frequent holding have scientifically shown to delay developments and become more ill. Low self-esteem and depression are directly related to feeling unloved. A young child who gets all the words of appreciation for excellence in school work but no gifts may be just as unsatisfied as an adolescent who gets the latest gadgets in the market but no quality time with his parents.

The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love - Henry Miller

We have heard that change is the only constant. Similarly, our preferred language of Love changes over a period of time. Ever since my gorgeous mom married my dashing dad, he has never shied from helping her. He would always step up to support her with household chores and childcare. Cooked meals and as much as made my braids when needed. After 45 years, even today, he will clean up and fold laundry. However, I notice that this does not make my mom happy anymore. She resents his offers to help. She is tired of seeing him work all day. She only craves quiet quality time with him. Upon spending two thirds of their life running around social responsibilities, today all she loves is going for a walk with my dad or watching a movie together after dinner. No gifts and no acts of service. Just being together is the absolute bliss for her. Cherishing and creating more precious moments.

A few weeks ago, when I shared that my picky daughter hated the sweater we got her from a fancy boutique, my gallant friend narrated about a time when her veteran husband got her jewelry from her favorite store. She went on to say, "I generally love most of the selection at this store but that gift was the absolute ugliest piece I have ever seen. It looked so horrible and I asked my husband to exchange it." Her disciplined husband defended, "You wouldn't hate it so much if you knew how much it cost!" My wretched friend felt much more disappointed to learn that he had spent a fortune. Even after having our best intentions at heart and selecting thoughtfully, we sometimes mess it up. It's work in progress. A few years later, my darling friend told her wise husband that she wanted a cast iron skillet. He got her a set which cost $600! She returned that and got another for one tenth of that price. Happens to every couple. What matters is that they both are amazing individuals who are even more awesome together.

You can't blame gravity for falling in love - Albert Einstein

It is essential to take the time to learn someone's language of love. We need to speak in a way that they can comprehend. It helps others feel more loved and us more happier. Helps build a stronger bond and respect in relationships. Love is the key to building immunity and long term health and emotional well-being. Love is all we need.

After working on my blog late Friday night, I saw my GoodMan folding laundry while watching Netflix.

Cheers to love!

~ MG