Know, the Power of No!

As a little girl, I never liked to go for sleepovers. I loved my cousins and extended family but there was something about not having mom or dad around during bedtime that made me anxious. My mom understood it and would say, "I want you to learn how to say 'No'. It's necessary to fight your own battles. I don't want to do the talking for you." She tried to help me get through it but I would simply cave in, go for the sleepover and just wait to get back home. Saying 'no' felt uncomfortable. There was a time in my life when I was a perpetual yes-girl and almost grew up to be a perpetual yes-woman. I naturally do like to help and being kind is my character trait but, I would almost bend over backward to make everyone happy, often at the expense of my very own happiness and wellbeing.

"It's only by saying "No" that you can concentrate on the things that are really important" - Steve Jobs

Many of us go through choices in our own lives simply to avoid the discomfort of saying 'No'. People will buy stuff they don't need just to get rid of a persuasive salesperson. Teens dine at outrageous places just to be with a popular crowd. Many young adults enroll into 4yr college programs without any keenness only to abide by their parents wishes. Learning how to say 'No' is essential because this practice is what gives us back our power. This small two-letter word empowers us to take back our time, our emotions, and our mental wellbeing by allowing us to re-prioritize what’s important to us.

“The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.” - Tony Blair

Just a few weeks ago, while walking around the neighborhood, my soft-hearted friend shared the story of a young man she had known since he was a little boy. She said, "We attended his wedding last year and it felt magical. The whole ceremony was perfect. The couple were made for each other and so much in love. Everyone showered their blessings upon them and it felt like a happily ever after fairy tale." She continued, "Just recently, he announced that he was getting a divorce from his wife. Its less than a year and his only explanation is that he was not ready to get married but couldn't say 'No' to her. She really was keen to marry him and he confesses that she is a wonderful woman but he just went through the whole thing because he did not want to disappoint her and his own family."

When we say 'Yes' half heartedly, we don't do justice to the opposite person. It's better to say a firm No, than a weak Yes. An insincere Yes is more hurtful than the No itself. It’s such a little word, but wow is it tough to choke out in certain moments. “We have an instinctive need for connection to other people—it’s essential to our survival. We worry that saying no will break these bonds,” says Vanessa Bohns, Ph.D., a professor of organizational behavior at Cornell University. Specifically, we fear that the other person, whether a child or a coworker, will feel rejected or take it as a personal affront. “Saying no stirs up intensely negative emotions—embarrassment and guilt,” says Bohns. To avoid those feelings, we often say yes even when it goes against our ethics.

Still lying awake at 3 a.m. imagining your book club assembling with pitchforks because you declined to host? “Humans have a harshness bias. We believe others judge us a lot more critically than they actually do,” says Bohns. “Most people have completely forgotten about your answer and have moved on to ask someone else,” says Susan Newman, Ph.D., a social psychologist.

“We need to learn the slow ‘yes’ and the quick ‘no." - Warren Buffett

About 7yrs ago, we had known a lofty couple who had bought two iPads for each of their 4yr old and 6yr old children. When we asked, "Why did you buy two identical iPads? There really aren't many apps for them yet. They could've shared one." The mother confessed, "You try saying No to my kids. I can't." Another mom bought a high end electric scooter for her son just because a kid in the neighborhood refused to share. Her son used the new one maybe twice. Just recently, I was asking our genius friend, "Why do you give actual money to your children on Roblox?" He confessed, "I just don't know what else to do." My GoodMan is guilty of saying yes to our daughter's every wish. When confronted he will explain, "She is my darling and I simply can't say No to her."

But according to Georgia Manning ‑ counsellor, psychotherapist and the director of Wellbeing For Kids ‑ saying ‘no’ to your kids is one of the best things you can do for them. His reasons are:

• Kids need to feel discomfort. Protecting them from uncomfortable situations or feelings will set them up with unrealistic expectations for the future.

• Kids need to learn to wait. If we give our children everything they want exactly when they want it, we risk raising entitled children, rather than supporting their development into ambitious and self driven adults.

• Boundaries make kids feel secure. ‘Children always push for boundaries, they are pushing for those “no's” and it’s our job to give it to them’, says Manning.

• Kids need to know their parents are in charge. Being assertive will reassure them that you do, and will make them feel safe.

• Kids need parents to be parents, not friends. Many parents worry their children won’t love them or like them if they’re too strict. So in response, they try to be more like friends than parents, and more often than not, friends don’t say ‘no’.

Your child won’t thank you for saying No, but sometimes a No is the best thing you can do for your child. Mountains of research show that the parenting style that is most beneficial for children involves a combination of warmth and limits. As an adult, you have vast knowledge and experience that your child just doesn’t. You can empathize, compromise, redirect, or explain to soften the no, but for your child’s sake, don’t be afraid to say no when necessary.

If you are always saying Yes, it has little or no value unless you learn how to say No sometimes. If saying “no” is not natural for you, you’re a pleaser just like me. You don’t like to disappoint people, hurt their feelings, or be rude. Nothing wrong with that. Indeed, we need a lot more of that in society. Civility and manners are important. However, learning to say No is a sign of growing up and being able to manage your energy, your time and eventually your life. No, I can’t do that. No, I don’t have time. No, I’m not interested. No, it’s not a match. No, maybe another time. No, I need more. No, but how about this? It may seem hard at first but it is so liberating afterwards.

“You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.” Lori Deschene

It's almost time for supper and I am closing up my blog this week when my son comes up to me and begs, "Mom can we please get Chipotle for dinner? It's Friday and I really don't want to have home food." I take a deep breath and think about it, then I say, "Let's do a take out and watch the movie 'Liar Liar' together. Ask your dad and sister what they want and grab my wallet :)" He jumps and smiles then dashes away.

A nitpicker reading this will say that I said 'Yes' to my child again. Let me make it clear, I said 'No' to the kitchen and 'Yes' to spending time with my family.

Read the blog again :) ~ MG