Judgement(al?)

In February 2014, we moved to the beautiful town of Westborough and instantly felt at home. By March, my GoodMan was back at work and our kids ready for school. My son joined Fales School for 1st Grade and because Fales was at full capacity for Kindergarten, my daughter went to Armstrong School. Spring was around the corner and everything was bright and beautiful.

In mid-April, the younger one brought home a flyer about a show called The Queen of Tarts. I hung it on the refrigerator and everyone got busy with the regular chaos of life. A few weeks later, at dinner, I asked my girl how the preparation for her show was going. She casually nods.

I say, “So when are the auditions?”

She replied, “That’s all done. We are practicing the show now.”

Obviously, as a mom I am curious to find out more. I continue, "So who is playing the role of Queen of Tarts? Is the kid from your class?”

She replies bluntly, “I am playing the Queen of Tarts!”

I am surprised and a little taken aback and remark, “That can’t be possible!”

She repeats only louder now, "I just told you that I am the Queen of Tarts."

I am thinking to myself, she knows no one here and literally no one knows her yet! Why would the teacher pick her out of 100 students in kindergarten? Although I was confident of my sound judgement, I looked at the GoodMan across our dining table, who knows better than disagreeing with his wife. He stares blankly, having no clue and then focuses back on finishing his dinner. I am still wondering, a five year old would come home bursting with joy if she was 'actually' selected to play the lead role in her school performance. She had not done that!

I tried to rationalize with her assuming she has probably misunderstood my question. I continue, ”I know that Mrs Higgins has mentioned that all children will participate but I was asking if you know who is playing the lead role in the play?” And again in my head, I am convinced that my judgment is accurate. My girl is a late August baby, probably the youngest in her grade and had very recently moved to a new school. What are the chances the teachers will feel confident to put her in the spotlight?

However, this headstrong girl is now irritated and declares, “I know who is the Queen of Tarts. It's me! Mrs Higgins told me that.” I eventually settle thinking, it’s not worth arguing so I let it slide. Deep down I didn't have the courage to burst her bubble.

A few weeks later, I was invited for a Parent Teacher Conference at her school. Mrs Higgins, starts off excitedly, “Did you hear who is playing the Queen of Tarts?” I am puzzled and simply shake my head to gesture a no. She can hardly contain herself, “It’s your bright little girl! She is so confident. We auditioned each and every kid in kindergarten because we have to offer every kid a chance. Ultimately, all 4 of the kindergarten teachers chose "your" little one.”

I stood there dumbstruck. I was startled at what she said. I felt so ashamed of my logical and analytical judgement while not believing my little girl. Whatever Mrs Higgins said thereafter, was completely beyond me.

This strong willed girl rocked the stage. It was the first of many. Many still know her as the Queen of Hearts (yes, not Tarts), who moved to Fales School in the fall for 1st Grade.

Judgement is a part of everyday life but can be divided into positive, negative and harmless or meaningless types. Looking at both sides of the road before crossing is a sensible and necessary judgment we all must make. Within the first 7 seconds of meeting anyone, we randomly start judging them. "Looks like she has been sleeping a lot, over eating too and doesn't seem excited! Probably had a fight with her husband? or maybe just had to scold her children?", so on and so forth. This is subconscious judgment which probably is harmless. Even judging movies, restaurants, food etc are all examples of mostly benign judgments. But when someone says, "Are you going to eat another slice of pizza? Really?" That is a perfect example of a negative judgment. The story about my daughter is also an example of a negative judgment.

In Super Bowl 51, when the Patriots were losing to the Falcons 28 - 3 in the 3rd Quarter, millions of Americans had judged that this game was over. We were hosting that game for over 30 friends and everyone gave up hope. Everyone, except my kind-hearted little boy. He cried but still kept faith. The rest is history. We are all guilty of making quick judgments and then regretting too.

Courts of Law are not exempt from making the wrong judgments as well. All of us have come across headlines that read;

Baltimore men freed after 1983 wrongful conviction…

Wrongfully convicted Moultrie man released from prison after 18 years…

Wrongfully convicted Florida man released after 16 years in prison… and many more.

These are professional lawyers and judges who pride themselves in the knowledge of the law and still are only human to make errors of judgment. The movie Primal Fear, starring Richard Gere and Edward Norton explores one such wrong judgment. What a thriller!

Yes we all make wrong judgments but we also pride ourselves on the ones we get right. It's a human trait that is almost necessary for survival.

Recently at a dinner gathering, I shared that Elon Musk had decided that he would not disclose the gender of his soon to be born child and that he will allow the child to decide the gender preferred. I expected every one to support my judgment of Elon Musk as an arrogant and almost crazy man. That's when a very wise friend at the party shared his judgment, "Elon Musk is probably trying to bring awareness to the issue of how public restrooms are gender identity battlefields." I suddenly realized, that can be a possibility. There are always at least two sides to every story. So when eventually Elon Musk had a son and named him

'X Æ A-12 MUSK', I told my GoodMan, "Who am I to judge?". He gave me a smirk and agreed as always :)

It's imperative that we make a conscious effort to be quick to understand but not quick to judge. We all come from a different belief and understanding of the World. People have unique strengths and fears. Everyone has experiences and memories based on the road they have traveled. Be kind. Each person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

A grandfather and his grandson were walking from one village to the next with their donkey beside them. A little way down, they overheard people muttering, "Look at the foolish old man walking beside his donkey. He should put his grandson on the donkey so the kid won't be tired." The old man thought it's a good idea. He lifted his grandson and placed him comfortably on the donkey and continued his journey.

As he traveled a few more minutes, he heard a group of ladies commenting, "Look how this young boy is resting on the donkey's back while his old grandfather is dragging his feet beside him. This generation is so self centered." Out of guilt, he asked his grandson to come off and climbed up on the donkey himself.

In a couple of miles, some older people started gossiping about how the grumpy old grandpa is sitting on the donkey rather than giving his grandson a ride on the donkey. Fed up with all the judgments, the poor grandfather lifted his grandson and both started to ride on the donkey assuming this should finally satisfy everyone around. They continued their journey in peace until a group of young men started discussing how humans have no mercy on animals. "Can you see that poor donkey lifting two people on his back in this heat?" The grizzled grandfather finally realized, no matter how hard you try, people will be judgmental.

At any time if you feel overwhelmed about folk judging you, remember what Dr. Seuss has shrewdly said;

PS: On a lighter note, Judgment is also a fun card game which my sweet sister in law played with our large group of cousins ages ago :) Ah memories!

~ MG