Home Is Where the Heart Is ...

Last weekend, we visited my nephew in New Hampshire. He has moved into his first rental place. After growing up in Dubai, he had spent the last 5 years between college dorms and sharing apartments. He now is able to call a little place in a lovely town, his own private space. That is a huge step and we feel so proud of his journey so far.

Being at his warm cozy one bedroom apartment flooded my mind with memories. Very familiar fixtures, counter top and the universal beige carpet, it felt like I had stepped into the past. Whispering Hills, Windsor Village, Norwood Gardens and other rentals flashed in my mind. I remembered being newly married, moving out of my home and country, far away, along with my GoodMan. It was a milestone in our life. An event that clearly marked the stepping out of our parent's shelter and marked the beginning of an independent and self-reliant life. We had the responsibility to provide for our own needs, to find a way out of every difficult situation we encountered, and to create a life for ourselves that was vibrant, progressive, and genuinely fulfilled. All this in new uncharted waters.

"The ache for home lives in all of us" ~ Maya Angelou

There is an undefined time it takes for a new place to feel like home. It is different for every couple and every individual. In the early years, every immigrant family we knew, including ourselves, planned on returning to their home country in a few years. Everyone thought ... America is too far from home…. Our parents are growing old… We have opportunities at home as well … Our children won't know their roots… etc. Gradually, and with time, consciously or unconsciously, every hardworking, law abiding and passionate family started settling here. Among our many friends, there was one, and only one, simple, considerate and kindhearted family that moved back. Even today, we feel delighted to know that they are happy and content with their decision. The rest of us created an ideal permanent address here.

In 16 years, we moved from west coast to mid-west and finally the east coast. Even within the perfect state of Massachusetts, we moved between 3 different towns. Moving a home is more difficult than we imagine. Each move took us to a bigger and better place but initially it wouldn't feel that way. I would get comfortable and attached to every home and found it hard to be excited about the change of location.

Why is a home so important? Because for better or worse, by presence or absence, it is a crucial point of reference—in memory, feeling, and imagination—for inventing the story of ourselves, our life-narrative, for understanding our place in time. But it is also a vital link through which we connect with others and with the world and the universe at large. Home has always been a gathering place, shelter, and sanctuary, providing escape from the busyness and intrusiveness of the world. Much thought about, treasured, and longed for as an anchor of our existence.

Humans add layers of significance to home and place. Physical places endure so homes and neighborhoods become "memory machines" that help us keep alive some of the strongest sources of what has given our lives meaning, well-being, and happiness. "There is pretty strong evidence that the environment in which people live is closely linked to their well-being," says Graham Rowles, a gerontology professor at the University of Kentucky. "It's sort of like the human animal attachment to territory is built into our DNA. We have a need for a place that is called home," he adds. "Home provides security, control, belonging, identity, and privacy, among other things. But most of all, it's a place that provides us with a centering—a place from which we leave each morning and to which we return each evening."

"Home is the nicest word there is" ~ Laura Ingalls Wilder

Habib Chaudhury teaches classes on aging and environment at Simon Fraser University in Vancouver, Canada. He identifies four areas where home takes on added meaning for older residents. "The first is the emotional attachment that is formed," he says, and it grows over time. "It contributes to their emotional well-being, their self-esteem, and their confidence about doing things."

"Next is familiarity with their physical surroundings. This is important if a person has lost some physical and cognitive abilities. Knowing their way around their home helps compensate, and being comfortable in their living space reduces stress and helps well-being."

"The third factor is knowing their neighborhood and being comfortable there and with the people they know," Chaudhury says. "Losing that comfort can contribute to alienation and isolation, which have strong adverse health effects on older people."

"Fourth is more conceptual," he says. "It has to do with their sense of identity. The sense of attachment to a home can become so strong that it becomes part of their emotional identity," Chaudhury says. "It can help people compensate for other losses in their lives," such as the death of a spouse, end of a career, or contraction of their circle of friends. "Home becomes an emotional refuge—a place where they still have control."

Making the transition from a long-occupied family home to newer surroundings can have a big impact on people and especially traumatic for older people. A person's home is always enriched with memories.

After 8 years, when my GoodMan tried to convince me to agree on buying a home in a new town, I was apprehensive. I tried to find every excuse to talk him out of it.

I would say, "The grocery stores won't be as close."

He would open Google maps and confirm, "There are 3 in less than 2 miles radius."

I would try, "What about Target, Kohls, TJMaxx or Marshalls?"

He would reply, "All within 5 miles radius."

I would say, "I bet there are no Indian stores or movie theaters there."

He would brag, "Movie theater is in town and Patel Brothers is less than 10 minutes away."

(The movie theater closed after a few years)

"What about a train station?", I questioned.

My GoodMan said, "That is at walking distance."

I tried every possible excuse to not move mainly because our close friends lived around our last town. Little did I know that true friends don't let distances come in between them. With their support and positive persuasion, we bought our very first home and moved. Over the last 6 yrs, along with a beautiful home, we also made many new meaningful friendships here. The town, the schools, the activities and our clubbable neighbors, make our home special to us.

Melody Warnick, author of the book, This Is Where You Belong: The Art and Science of Loving the Place You Live, explains that this is called “place attachment,” which is “the feeling of belonging and rootedness where you live.” It takes a while to create a place attachment, and we often feel unhappy until we do. No matter how much we admire other places and houses, we have a special place in our hearts for our home. Our feelings towards our home are similar to those feelings that we may have to a family pet or best friend.

After spending a beautiful refreshing day in New Hampshire, we had a long drive back home. I was feeling content as we pulled into our driveway. I took out my keys and thought to myself, "There is absolutely no place like Home."

~ MG