Forgive

Why forgive? Who says that we have to pardon someone who has done us wrong? How can we prove that we are the better person? When will people stop advising us to forgive? Why excuse the individual who has hurt us? Do they deserve forgiveness ... Not at least until they apologize, right?

When I was younger and got mad at someone, my sweet mother always tried to encourage me to "Let it go!". I hated her suggestion. I thought that if I forgive, I am allowing the person who hurt me, go free. I had been of the opinion to punish and, if given an opportunity, to even punch. That sounded more satisfying and I could hold a grudge for long.

Every living being has had their share of upsets. We all have some names that bring out anger and rage within us every time we hear them. How do you forgive someone who intentionally hurts you, cheats you, ignores you, leaves you, insults you, blames you or something even more.

Recently, I watched a TED Talk by storyteller and screenwriter, Sarah Montana. She is a sweet young woman whose mother and brother were shot and killed by a 17 year old from their neighborhood. He broke into their home only to steal some money but ended up shooting them. He is currently serving two back to back life imprisonment sentences. She humorously says, "There are 62 passages in the Bible with the word forgive and 27 with the word forgiveness but not a single one tells you how to do it!" She adds, "Real forgiveness comes with no expectations. If you are still in pain it's too soon to forgive. But it's never too late to let go of your villains and reclaim yourself." She was inspiring and I felt touched. If she can choose to forgive for the sake of her own inner peace, what is our excuse?

Forgiveness means different things to different people. Generally, however, it involves a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. Gandhi once said “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." We don't need to forgive because the other person deserves a second chance but rather because we must release the burden of their wrong doing.

There are proven medical benefits to forgiveness. It drastically reduces stress and lowers blood pressure along with a stronger immune system, improved heart health and self esteem. But is everything forgivable? Honestly, I don't know.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." ~ Lewis B. Smedes

Even when you have struggled to forgive, there will be people around who won't allow you to forget. A few years ago, we had been invited to a housewarming party. With malice intention, a fellow neighbor looked at my GoodMan and specifically told him, "X will also be coming." (X is referring to a family we had a serious rift with a few months ago). My GoodMan calmly replied, "Who is X? I don't understand who you are referring to. Are you sure that I know them?" That nitwit went red as a beet and did not reply. As luck would have it, X never showed up for the housewarming.

We all have our way of moving on and forgiving. My GoodMan will forgive quickly but he will not forget. I have a longer strategy that works for me. This is how my process goes:

~ I share my disappointments with my poor GoodMan and/or my parents. ~ They help me feel like I am heard. ~ I may go back and forth with every single detail. ~ Eventually, and in due course, I let it go. (Yes I confess, I am emotionally dependent on them)

It is definitely sooner than it used to be and feels easier too. Practice helps. So does that mean that emotions of anger, frustration, disappointment or discomfort don't come again when I remember the event? They absolutely do but, then I have to let them go again. It hurts but I can't allow it to not affect my everyday life.

A sweet neighbor recently shared her difficulties with her landlord. In the first year itself, she was frustrated by his restrictions and nagging that she eventually decided to move out. When I met her recently, she gladly shared, "I have bought a home in our community and will be moving next month. I am so excited." She is a single mother of two beautiful children and I was so happy for her. She added, "I have noticed this in life. Every time I come across people who hurt me, they rather make me grow and I lift myself up to a better place."

I truly felt delighted for her. When I got home that day, I shared it with my mom. I was so proud and impressed by the fact that she did not just forgive people who did her wrong but actually credited them with her own growth. That is truly noble.

“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” ~ Oscar Wilde

It takes a strong person to face pain head-on, forgive, and release it. If you don't want the person who causes you pain to win, you must move on. There is no sweeter revenge than moving on.

Forgive because it is the only solution. We would not allow anyone to live in our house rent free. Similarly, we must release the sinful so they don't live in our minds. Forgive because you don't need to carry the burden of your past into your future. Everyone moves at their own pace. When you have advanced over to the other side, you will be lighter and will feel liberated.

Forgive always. You are the better person.

~ MG