Summer evenings are the best in Massachusetts. The Sun works longer hours and keeps everything bright and beautiful. The place comes alive and children fill the street with noise and color. People are out for walks and talks. It's lovely, warm and homely.
Tropical storm Isaias was anticipated to hit our state on Tuesday August 4, 2020. The news channels covered its tracks and weather forecast advisory was to stay safe and prepare for loss of power. What was not expected was the Tornado that actually hit our neighborhood.
The evening started like any other. Friends gathered and brought snacks to share. I had just settled outside with my neighbors sipping tea when suddenly a mumbo-jumbo woman paced towards me howling away. She threatened me to come and see what was going on. I was surprised but not intimated. I got out of my chair and walked towards her not knowing what to expect. She had only recently moved into my neighborhood.
Without any briefing, she blasted, "This has been going on for awhile and I need you to take care of this matter right away. I am going to call the school principal and the police and tell them that your kid is a bully."
Although she sounded completely ridiculous, I calmly replied, "Sure no problem. You may go ahead and do what you have to do."
She fired back, "I am not seeking your permission. I am warning you that I am going to call the school principal and the cops. Bullying is illegal."
I then responded, "Thank you for your warning. You have every right to do what you deem necessary."
"I am not warning you!" she screamed.
Now even more louder she continued, "I knew you would react like that. I knew you wouldn't understand. You are so unapproachable."
I cut her in her tracks, "Excuse me. Unapproachable!! When and how have you tried to reach me and failed to get in touch? Anyone who knows me will deny that accusation on me!"
She then confessed, "I agree I have never come up to discuss any issues with you but that is simply because I believe that when two women talk and try to sort things, it almost never works out. So I had asked my husband to talk with yours." I completely disagree with her opinion about women. Such shallow thinking!
My GoodMan heard the chaos and came outside. Although every word she said was absurd, we gave her the chance to vent it all out. Her husband stood beside her, comforting, encouraging and echoing her. She started with the current affairs and soon spiraled into things unknown. The kids gathered around in flabbergast and fear. It was a show that promised entertainment to a wide audience.
This went on and on for the next half hour until I got tired. Realizing that she is not in the right frame of mind, I requested to take a rain check and returned to my chair in the lawn. My GoodMan was just too kind to leave them unfinished. After another half hour, they were still not done. Finally, our brave friend walked to my GoodMan and rescued him. Even that didn't end it. Eventually, the chapter closed when our fearless friend directed them to leave.
Over dinner that night I wondered, how did it get so out of control? Why is someone so hurt but unable to streamline the thought process or the deep rooted concerns. So much anger and rage without the effort to approach a peaceful solution. Anger Management is necessary. Name calling, parenting styles and hormones were all thrown into the mix. Although we treated them with forbearance, nothing helped to improve the situation.
"Anger is one letter short of danger" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Actual definition of bullying is intentional, repetitive abuse by a powerful person toward a less powerful target. People frequently confuse bullying with some random unfortunate ... but normal … moments of fury, thoughtless or hurtful behavior between children. We must focus on behavior, not rush to put the label on it.
It is hasty to assume that the person being loud is also being right. Similarly, a kid that is older, taller and stronger doesn't necessarily define the bully. Kids share, argue, learn, manage, discuss, win, lose, cry, smile, ignore, include, take turns, take advantage, hurt and heal all through playing with other kids. This is the foundation of their growth. The role of parents is to help them navigate through their journey and seek assistance from others parents when needed. Working together is important especially when you are living in proximity with other families. Helping each other is always beneficial but expecting others to take orders about raising their own children is nonsensical.
"We can't always do what's best when our emotions take over and it's perfectly natural to slip into fight mode when we want to protect our child," says child psychologist Laverne Antrobus. I sympathize with the mom for being irrational and wish she was more composed allowing me to make things better. If she was going to attack, my natural instinctive reflex will be, to defend. Her refusal to wait for us to discuss the matter within our family, worked against her. Being stubborn and authoritative can never settle quarrels. Most situations are easily managed as long as we are willing to offer the other person a chance.
A parent's response to conflict between kids must be taken as an opportunity to teach them respect for others, compromise and problem solving. These are skills that every child needs to learn in order to become a highly functioning adult. Children, and even teens, often don’t have the necessary skills or the willingness to see another person’s perspective. (In fact, some adults continue to have this problem.) Learning these skills doesn’t mean giving in, accepting blame or being wrong. Rather, it reflects enormous emotional growth. If all adults had the ability to empathize with each other, the World would surely be a more peaceful place. Maturity doesn't always come with age but it surely comes with experience.
It happens. We have been on the other side of this argument as well with other parents. Most have been cordial and productive. No child is perfect. All kids have flaws just like they all have strengths. I truly believe that all children make mistakes. Some just get caught more than others :)
That August night, my little town did lose power due to storm Isaias but my family did not lose any sleep.
To be calm is the highest achievement of the self ~ Zen Proverb
~ MG
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