Arranged Marriage

For the past 6 years, we have spent most weekends on the sidelines of games that our children play. It started with soccer to basketball and soon football and flag football made it to the list. The GoodMan would mourn and crave for a single weekend when we were not spending cheering our kids. At the same time, I started finding joy in knowing other moms. It grew our social circle and broadened our understanding of our friendly town.

It started off with pleasantries and casual small talk but turned into friendships that we deeply cherish now. Many would ask how my GoodMan and I met. I would initially hesitate but then honestly confess that ours is an "arranged marriage". Everyone who heard it would be surprised and give me a sympathetic look then say, “Well, if it works!”. I would nod and almost wonder how does this work? I know I didn't marry my GoodMan for love but, I love that I married a "Good Man". In the 16 years of our marriage, not once have we had a quarrel serious enough to consider a divorce. Murder...YES!...but, divorce NEVER! :-)

“Would you want the same for your children?”, would be their follow up question. I would quickly and confidently reply, “No! I would not want an arranged marriage for my own children.”

A few years later, a family, our dear friends, came over to spend the evening with us. While the 4 munchkins were busy burning up their energy, we got some time to have convivial conversations. The man of this family always brightens up any room with his high voltage. Energetic and powerful. He was thrilled to share how he proposed to his kindhearted and delightful wife atop a tree. It was the most impressive real life proposal we had ever heard. Wonderfully romantic and so much adventure. He had hunted down the perfect tree to climb which would be both, high enough and strong enough to mount. To ensure that he didn't drop the ring while proposing, he tied a thread to the ring just in case. Perfectly calculated and flawlessly executed. We could feel the twinkle in his eyes as he narrated that warm day. Such a fairy-tale with the happily ever after feeling. Believe it or not, they share their wedding date with us! Sheer coincidence, but 100% true.

When the husband asked us about our marriage and how it came about? We simply said, "It was arranged!". We were engaged for about two months while living on two different continents, but physically met each other only two days before our wedding. The man was almost astonished! He couldn't wrap his head around it and we had nothing to make sense. It is hard to imagine and almost impossible to digest. We both felt tongue tied. Arranged marriage victims only feel fortunate when compared to single and lonely adults. LOL :-)

Fast forward to March 2020. We were invited to the most splendid Bar Mitzvah of a marvelous and magnificent Prince. After a harmonious sacred ceremony at the local synagogue, we headed to the after party at the Gillette Stadium. The place was dazzling and exuberant. We were designated to the charming couples table along with four other endearing couples. We knew all but one pair. Our friends, a Marine Veteran and his stunning wife knew them well and introduced us to them at the event. We learned that the husband was a doctor and noticed his glamorous wife was so full of life. She enjoyed dancing and talked to me like she knew me, curiously asking everything that came to her mind. Completely frank and unapologetic. “So where did you meet your husband?” she asked after a while. I smiled but once again hesitantly said, “Ours is an arranged marriage.” To my surprise, she almost jumped up and excitedly looked at our common adorable friend and added, “Oh! I Love Arranged Marriages. I have always thought it to be so amazing. I think we should all do these for our kids. Isn't it the best?” My lovely gorgeous friend gave her a radiant smile and happily agreed with her. They never asked me the follow up question.

I was amused at their reaction and almost not embarrassed for the very first time. Why have I always felt so awkward about this? All at once, I felt comfortable and maybe a little proud of my choice. They almost celebrated the fact that I had had an Arranged Marriage. I looked over to my GoodMan seated beside me and knew that he already added the new couple on our good list.

I was forced to think, Are Arranged Marriages really so bad? There must be some reason they are still common in Asia, Middle East and far East. That compresses a large population of our World. According to a study in 2012, the divorce rate of arranged marriages is less than 4 percent versus 40 percent of marriages in the U.S. where partners chose who to marry on their own free will.

Let's look at my immediate family. I am one of three siblings and I have 25 first cousins. Of these, all but one is not married and only two of 24 have had love marriages. We each got our perfect pair irrespective of the way it came about. No one was pressured towards arranged marriage, but it almost felt like an extra layer of protection and a calculated risk that most of us took. It felt natural to accept because almost everyone did the same. It is easier than soliciting unchaperoned. Another big advantage is that most arranged marriages are completely sponsored by the parents. That’s a big plus :-)

Arranged marriages traditionally used to be selected, planned and finalized without the knowledge, let alone the consent of the bride or groom. It was considered completely the business of the elders in the family. The man and woman were just informed of the date and time of their marriage. This has drastically changed over time and evolved into a more practical approach.

Within my own family, all three of us did have arranged marriages, but completely different. My older brother met his fiancee, for the very first time, on his engagement day. Three years later, because we were on different continents around the globe, my GoodMan and I only had the opportunity to talk for a couple of days, share pictures etc., before our families confirmed our engagement. Eventually, five years later, for my younger brother the whole system of arranged marriages had changed. My parents send a proposal over to the selected girl, but on the condition that the boy and girl be allowed to have some time together before they can confirm. My handsome brother dated his, pretty as a picture wife for over 18 months before asking our parents to officially announce their engagement. He got the best wheel and deal.

All marriages take a lot of work and come with no recipe that can guarantee success. Even if you are given all the right ingredients, it has never been, nor ever will be easy. There is only one strong predictor for it, both partners need to be committed to love and respect for it to be truly happy. There is no one size fits all.

God willing, when my two precious ones think about marriage, there is only one advice I have for them:

It's definitely better to marry someone whom you LOVE, but It's the absolute best to marry someone who LOVES you!

My GoodMan and I are already working with our amigos who have preferable crackerjack teens on that arrangement.

You know I am kidding!

Psst… Only two moms know I am not :-)

Didn't I just say ... Marriages are made in Heaven?

~ MG