Embrace Race ~ A box of Chocolates

We moved from Missouri to Massachusetts in September 2006. I was 8 months pregnant, expecting my first child and no gynecologist on file. Feeling helpless, my GoodMan decided we go to a reputable hospital and ask for a weekly appointment and a gynac who will also be able to deliver our child. The gynecology department refused to accommodate our needs. A sweet nurse however whispered to me. “I will recommend a gynac to you. He is actually my gynac and he should be able to take you.” I blanked out for a moment but asked, “Your gynac is a male?” She politely added, “He is very good. His clinic is right next to the gynecology department. Here is his name.” She wrote it on a Post-It and slipped it into my hand.

We got an appointment for the following week and a search revealed that our gynac was a black American male with decades of experience. My MBBS brother assured me, “Male OB/GYN are better in most cases and there is nothing to worry about.” Long story short - we adored our doctor. He was kind, caring and had delivered over 6000 children in his care. Brilliant with a confident demeanor. My GoodMan would say cheerfully, “He is so nice that I wish I was a woman.” In October, we had our first born and asked the doctor to promise us that he would care for us if we got pregnant again. We had our second one in 22 months and our doctor kept his word.

When you are new and naïve in a country, you picture it in the best frame. Everything seems smooth, structured and systematic. Our OB/GYN had been practicing since the 1970’s when people of color were still struggling for equal rights (wonder why he was not a part of the department of gynecology though). The American dream, a belief that anyone, regardless of where they were born or what class they were born into, can attain their own version of success in a society. As we spend more time, the true colors are evident. Stories of Trayvon Martin, Freddie Gray and George Floyd keep happening and hence the Black Lives Matter movement. No state or town is exempt from racial adversity. Public schools in our town recently experienced disturbing racial graffiti in the stairways and bathroom stalls. On Monday, January 10th 2022 the High School organized a School wide walk to promote unity, celebrate diversity and collaborate to stand against racism and hate speech.

“Intelligence plus character — that is the goal of true education.” - Martin Luther King Jr

Recently, CNN covered a story about Tenisha Tate-Austin and her husband, a black couple who became suspicious when their Northern California home they renovated was valued far lower than they expected. They asked a White friend to pretend as the owner and scheduled a second opinion. They removed all artwork and photos that could show that it actually belonged to a Black family. The new appraisal for their home in Marin County was more than $1.4 million and nearly half a million dollars higher than the previous estimate. On average, in US neighborhoods where the share of the population is 50% Black, homes are valued at roughly half the price of homes in neighborhoods with no Black residents.

In Indianapolis, a Black woman shared that she did not reveal her race or gender on an application for an appraisal. She kept communicating via email and told the appraiser that she would be out of town and her brother would be at her home during the appraisal. Then a White friend posed as her brother and met the appraiser instead of her. The appraised value more than doubled -- it led her to file a Fair Housing complaint against the lenders and appraisers she had worked with alleging racial discrimination.

While incidents about race snobbery are evident, there is also an occasional heartwarming occurrence. About 7yrs ago, the Washington Post published about a black teenager named Jamal Hinton who got a hilarious text. It was an invitation to Thanksgiving from someone who said she was his grandma. He’d never seen the number before and responded “Grandma? Can I have a picture.” When a picture popped up of Wanda Dench, a white woman, he chuckled. “You not my grandma,” he wrote back with a laughing emoji. Hinton, then a high school senior, texted back a picture of himself. It was so funny, he decided to draw it out a little. “Can I still get a plate tho?” he asked, not expecting a response. She shot back: “Of course you can. That’s what grandma’s do…Feed everyone.” The two corresponded a few times and Hinton realized Dench was serious about the invitation. She lived in Mesa, Arizona, about a 25-minute drive from his house south of Phoenix. Not too far to travel, so instead of going to his own grandmother’s house, he showed up at Dench’s. He was welcomed as family by her, her husband and other Dench relatives, including her actual grandson. What started with a handshake ended with a hug. They have continued to spend Thanksgiving every year since.

Interactions are not exactly the way they seem. When my child's preschool teacher told me, “For an Indian, you speak very fluent English and with a decent accent.” It confused me whether she meant it as a compliment or was it a racist comment. When both my children were in school one day, my mother in-law and I headed to a strip mall. We were babbling as we walked towards the door of TJMaxx when an old gentleman approached us and blasted, “This is an English speaking country. Talk in English!” Shocked and shaken, I responded, “This is a free country and I can choose to talk in any language I prefer. I wasn't talking to you anyway.” He crawled away slowly with the help of his walking stick but still added, “Go back to your country.” A few onlookers came forward to support and comfort us while saying, “Don't mind him. Some people don't change.” It however soured our shopping trip.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” - Martin Luther King Jr

We are all on the same planet but see it differently. In 4th grade, when my son could not label the boy who punched him in the gut (without any provocation), I was hopping mad. I asked, "What was his name? Was he White, Black, Indian, South American?” He replied, “What do you mean? He is in 4th Grade. That's it! I don't know how to describe him.” He was honestly clueless. Secretly, I was so proud of him to not see any difference between classmates. Similarly, when Lydia Rosebush, a white woman in Louisville, Kentucky told her 5yr old son, Jax that he needed a haircut, Jax came up with a brilliant idea: He wanted to get the same haircut as his best friend Reddy so that their teacher couldn't tell them apart. “As a parent, my first thought was ‘that's funny.’ But when I really thought about it I was impressed by the fact that Jax doesn't see any difference between him and his friend.” The teacher played along with the prank all day. Children are like a box of chocolates, pure joy!

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” ― Martin Luther King Jr

January 17th, 2022 honors the birth, life, and dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. It is a national holiday designated as a day of service to encourage all Americans to volunteer to improve their communities. A time to remember the injustices that Dr. King fought against and his fight for the freedom, equality, and dignity of all races and peoples through nonviolence. We must embrace diversity and strengthen unity. We are only as strong as our weakest link. Being inclusive is a character trait that we can build. We are more alike than different in the pursuit of happiness.

PS: On a lighter note, that day in 4th Grade, I did receive a call from the principal saying that they cannot take any action against the kid who attacked since my son had tackled him on his own. Till date, I don't know who he was but he sure never bothered again.

~ MG